Afterlife

Sleep has been difficult. I spent about six weeks without sleeping properly, awake 24 hours, asleep for 6, awake 36 hours, asleep for 14, wash, rinse, repeat. I return to normal, then get off again. I get a cold, or feel so depressed I don’t want to face the day. Right now it’s like I have to beat my body into submission, medicating myself to sleep at a night, and dragging myself awake every morning with the fear that the cycle will start again. Sometimes it seems like all I do is eat, sleep, and shower -maybe I get dressed if it’s a good day. Why am I telling you this? Well, friends keep asking me what’s been going on. This is it. Things haven’t changed. My health hasn’t improved. I will get insurance soon, but I don’t know how long we can afford it, it’s not really leaving any money to pay for actual medical bills. I feel like I’m in a desert right now… it’s so dry, I’m parched, looking for relief. The barren ground stretches to each horizon, endless, empty, and bleak.

I haven’t really rested in a long time. I have escaped with sleep or distractions, but I haven’t rested. My back has been worse lately  -how do you say you’re not fine? I wish I could tell you  how God is healing me, maybe one day I will. Right now, He’s not. That’s ok. I don’t know what He’s doing, but I trust His wisdom. I don’t feel good about life right now, but that’s ok. I will wait through this time. We want resolution to come so swiftly, but I will wait one more day. Each day in the desert is a day I can grow, if I admit my weakness and ask for His strength.

Maybe you are stuck in that in-between time, waiting. Maybe you feel you can’t really say what’s going on, or be honest about how bad it is. I think it’s ok not to have an immediate answer. Don’t give up hope because your wait is long. The wait is not in vain so long as you wait upon the Lord.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

-The Prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 40:28-31

Perhaps waiting can be active. Not the mere passing of time between a question and its answer, but anticipating, with eagerness, the outcome. What if waiting was the time in which we really lived?

I’ve tasted fire I’m ready to come alive
I can’t just shut it up and fake that I’m alright
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I’ll Let it burn the way the sunlight burns my skin
The way I feel inside, the way the day begins
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the other side
I’m ready now, I’m ready now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I still believe we could live forever
You and I we begin forever now
Forever now
Forever

I still believe in us together
You and I we’re here together now
Forever now
Forever now
Or never now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

-Switchfoot, Afterlife

Tears and Frustrations

I  never knew what “depressed” actually meant until now. To me, it was always one of those  problems other people have.  We don’t talk about it, we don’t want to admit its existence.  There’s such a stigma against it, as if it’s a person’s fault for being depressed. Surely, they need to learn to better control themselves, to get it together. I didn’t know until I felt it. I didn’t know until I had cried uncontrollably for no reason at all, or spent a week solid crying, what it felt like. I didn’t know that a mere chemical imbalance could so drastically alter how you feel. I didn’t know I was capable of such rage and anger, but it’s not me. Perhaps to those better acquainted with chronic illness and its effects, this will be old news. I have been completely caught off guard by my reactions to different circumstance, and I know it’s not me. Because the nature of the symptoms of depression are emotional and behavioral, we tend not to treat them as symptoms, as we would with an infectious disease. After all, we don’t lay moral obligation on a person for having a fever.

On this side of the symptoms, I have to separate myself from how I feel. The separation must go beyond the physical, “I am not my pain” to the emotional. Just because I feel sad doesn’t mean I am sad, just because I’m overcome with anger doesn’t mean I’m actually angry. The attitude of my heart remains, still, at my disposal. I may not be able to choose, at times, how I feel, but I can choose what my attitude is.

It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender…
To…

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It’s time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

-Sanctus Real, Whatever You’re Doing