Learning chemistry can be frustrating. You can’t just read the text and immediately solve any problem. It takes practice to learn how to solve problems which means trying and failing, again and again, before the concept clicks in your mind. You don’t learn as much when you read, or when you hear a lecture, as in wrestling with, and working through the problems; in exercising your mental faculties and having your understanding tested.

In preparing for chemistry, students need to know what’s ahead so that when it starts to get difficult, they won’t be surprised. In fact, it’s important for them to know that they will have to attempt problems multiple times, and they may have to re-read the text, talk to a classmate or me, and really spend time thinking about the concepts before they’ll make progress. It is in the struggle where learning takes place.  So when facing difficulty, chemistry students need not be discouraged, but can recognize it as a necessary part of the learning process.

I wish someone had told me this growing up. Maybe they did, and I just didn’t understand. I remember the day when, as a child, I realized that life was not mostly play interspersed with a bit of chores, but the other way around. Likewise, if we could approach life expecting adversity, recognizing it for what it is, we could replace discouragement with a drive to persevere. I honestly think anyone can learn chemistry, given enough perseverance. Cannot we then overcome any challenge in life if we press on?

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.

-The Apostle Paul, Philippians 3:13-15

In other news,  I just started on a new drug today:

Journal Entry Day 1 – Tried the new meds today. No progress so far. Splitting headache, not sure if there’s a connection. Chocolate supplies: ok for the moment. Morale: so-so, may need a session with the kitty.

“Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposefully allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in this world, sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good.”

-Much-Afraid/Grace and Glory, Hinds’ Feet on High Places

When life is good, we tend to just go with the flow. It’s not until we’re faced with adversity that we show, or even learn for ourselves, the strength of our character.  It’s like being infected with an enveloped virus.  At first, the body may not realize it’s encountered an enemy, because the virus is packaged in a bit of cell membrane. Once the virus’ exterior is removed, its malevolent nature is revealed. When the virus is recognized as a threat, the body can produce antibodies to recognize the threat, fight it off, and prevent further infection. However, certain viruses are able to go into a latent phase, a dormancy which fools the body into thinking the threat is gone. This happens in the case of cold sores, or Chicken Pox which can come back as Shingles. We should not merely relax our defenses when trouble appears to be gone, when a problem is not demanding our immediate attention, but learn to proactively show love.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge,my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-The Apostle Paul, Romans 12:9-21

It’s hard to be patient. It’s one thing to know where you’re going, when you’ll get there, and kick back until you do, but it’s endlessly frustrating when you can’t see the way, and you begin to doubt God’s promises. Yes, I still have more to share from Hinds’ Feet on High Places. Much-Afraid accuses the Shepherd when the path he has set turns away from the mountains and heads out into the desert:

“You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads away from them. It contradicts all that you promised.”

“No,” said the Shepherd, “it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible.”

Much-Afraid felt as though he had stabbed her to the heart. “You mean,” she said incredulously, “you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into the wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely?  Why” (and there was a sob of anguish in  her voice) “it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?

He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid sank to her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart’s desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. As she looked out over what seemed an endless desert, the only path she could see led further and further away from the High Places, and it was all desert.

Then he answered very quietly, “Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and go down there with me into the desert?”

As I read this, I hear my voice asking those questions of the Shepherd. I’m to turn away? I’m to wander through the desert? The road is long and hard, it’s got to be miles and miles before it could even begin to return to the mountains. Then I hear my Savior’s voice ask the pivotal question, “do you love me?” I see in my heart there is still the weed of self-love which, if not laid on the altar, will choke out the seed of true love. Our answer to the Shepherd’s question is more important than all other desires of the world put together. If we do not love Him, our love means nothing.

The Shepherd later takes the challenge a step further. An enemy named Bitterness had been lying to Much-Afraid, telling her the Shepherd would break his promises, and abandon her in some difficult place in utter humiliation. Strange, isn’t it, that it is in our most difficult times when we listen to the voice of bitterness? In such a time, the Shepherd asks what would happen if he was lying. Much-Afraid’s reply is:

“My Lord-if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as a long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you.” [...] Right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself.

-Hinds’ Feet on High Places

What is your reply?

The book is an allegory about a spiritual journey followers of Christ can make. The protagonist (if any but Christ can be considered a protagonist), Much-Afraid, follows the call of the Shepherd to go to the High Places, where she will receive a new name and her physical and spiritual maladies will be healed. The Shepherd attends to other business at times during the journey, and he provides guides for Much-Afraid (although he will always come if she calls for his help):

“This,” said he, motioning toward the first of the silent figures, “is named Sorrow. And the other is her twin sister, Suffering.”

Poor Much-Afraid! Her cheeks blanched and she began to tremble from head to foot. She felt so like fainting that she clung to the Shepherd for support.

“I can’t go with them,” she gasped. “I can’t! I can’t! O my Lord Shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn’t you have given Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me and help me on the difficult way? I never thought you would do this to me!” And she burst into tears.

A strange look passed over the Shepard’s face as he listened to this out-burst, then looking at the veiled figures as he spoke, he answered very gently, “Joy and Peace. Are those the companions you would choose for yourself? You remember your promise, to accept the helpers that I would give, because you believed that I would choose the very best possible guides for you. Will you still trust me, Much-Afraid?”

Much-Afraid decides to trust the Shepherd, but recognizes her inability to do so without help and asks for his help. He then responds:

Go with Sorrow and Suffering, and if you cannot welcome them now, when you come to the difficult place where you cannot manage alone, put your hands in theirs confidently and they will take you exactly where I want you to go.

-Hinds’ Feet on High Places

Sorrow and Suffering seem like harsh guides, and I think it’s fair to say most of us shrink back from them. The Shepherd, however, knows exactly when we will need them. Through her journeys, Much-Afraid finds they can carry her where she cannot walk, and spur her to call on the Shepherd in her need. These fearsome-looking companions become Much-Afraid’s dear friends, and when she reaches the High Places and is transformed, they change also. Sorrow turns to Joy, and Suffering to Peace. It was only after Much-Afraid learned to walk with Sorrow and Suffering that her goal was no longer her selfish desire to be loved, or to be healed. Her desire was transformed to only long for the Shepherd and then Joy and Peace were hers as well.

Though He Slay Me By Allison Oh 2011

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

-The Apostle Paul, Romans 5:3-5

Insurance update: Insurance has been a struggle every step of the way, but I finally think it’s settled. My final doctor bills which my old insurance mistakenly denied (multiple times) are -I think- finally settled. Sometimes I still jump when my phone rings, thinking it’s the billing Gestapo.

I had a lot of time in the car afterwards to think and pray about the encouragement I experienced. It was such a blessing to be able to open up and say, “Lord, I don’t like feeling the pain, I don’t like where I am, but I accept your will, help me to want it, help me to trust you, help me to desire You more.” It was probably the most honest I’ve been with the Lord in a long time, and it was much-needed.

Now I know this is a mountain top experience, and I may come down a bit off this high, but I think times like this are to learn lessons to hold on to in the valleys. Holding onto them like markers as in Hinds’ Feet on High Places. I want to implement these lessons in my life:

-God is at work, and will continue to do amazing things in people’s lives
-His will is not just good, it is best
-We must ever desire Him more and His glory
-We must love better
-It is good to want God’s will in your life and be molded to be more like Him
-Even though I struggle with the pain and circumstances of my life, I can be honest with God about that and ask Him to help me trust Him

It’s ok not to be  happy, and you can take that emotion, or however you feel, and lay it at the Lord’s feet. I realized I have been judging myself for not feeling happier about my circumstances, but I can be completely honest with God about how I feel, and it’s ok to ask Him to help my trust Him, to help me adjust my attitude. I know these things to be true, but sometimes it is difficult to put them into action. I feel a deep thirst reawakened in my soul for God. I think it may have dried up in the process of my own prayer: ” Lord, do whatever it takes to make me be the person you want me to be” being answered. No, these difficulties are not the result of God leaving me on the shelf, but they are the rough grindstone, the refining fire, fasting in the desert which removes those parts of us, those desires, false idols, or even just rough edges which need be removed. It is the transformation which Paul talks about in Romans 12 – and it is painful but gloriously beautiful!

“Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposefully allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing  with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good”

At last he spoke. “You have learned well, Grace and Glory. Now I will add one thing more. It was these lessons which you have learned which enabled me to change you from limping, crippled Much-Afraid into Grace and Glory with hinds’ feet. Now you are able to run, leaping on the mountains and able to follow me wherever I go, so that we need never be parted again.

“So remember this; as long as you are willing to be Acceptance-with-Joy and Bearing-in-Love, you can never again become crippled, and you will be able to go wherever I lead you. You will be able to go down into the Valley of the world to work with me there, for that is where the evil and sorrowful and ugly things are which need to be overcome.”

-Conversation between Grace and Glory and the King, Hinds’ Feet on High Places

Lord, I surrender all to you.

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
With all the strength that I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing,
I am nothing without You

-Bebo Norman, Nothing Without You

Every time something else rips, I find myself in a miniature moment of despair: “Again??  I’m already stretched thin to live within my means!” I am content to wear old clothes, but must they wear out on me? Instead of Target I find myself shopping second-hand stores and trying to find something, anything, that fits and isn’t neon or paisley.  My resources are worn around the edges,  and again I feel like my life is threadbare.  Have I been demoted from a modest Target-level child of God to a Goodwill-level child of God? Some days it feels like it, but then I remember that God can make clothing last as long as needed. When the Israelites were wandering in the desert after their captivity in Egypt, the Lord made their clothes last for 40 years (Deuteronomy 29:5)! No, sustaining clothing isn’t beyond the capability of God.

Can I rejoice in this feeling of being ridiculous? Can I rejoice in this lowly state? Yes, yes I can. Maybe I can be a blessing to someone I meet, or maybe it’s just good that I’ll be reusing some clothing rather than buying new when clothing seems to be such a sensitive topic these days due to lack of transparency in production.

I feel like my life has become worse-for-wear, but maybe it needs to be worn-in so it will suit God’s purpose. I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve prayed that the Lord would make me into the person He wants me to be. This isn’t at all what I expected, but if this is the place where I will best be crafted, then I pray, “Lord, take these threads of mine and weave them anew.”

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”

-Luke 24:1-7

Let us not fix our eyes upon death and this dying world, but on the Resurrection and the Life: Jesus Christ.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

-The Apostle John, 1 John 4:9-10

He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

-The Prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 53:3-5

Although my pain is unrelenting, it pales in comparison to the suffering of Christ. If only I would use my pain as an ever-present reminder of the price willingly paid for me. If only I would understand this truth, and let it sink in, to viscerally accept the love God has for me. No matter how awful the pain, it is a reminder of what true love is.

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
tears were filling heaven’s eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

-Phil Wickham, True Love

It’s not the type of condition for which there is a definitive test. It’s the last option after everything else is ruled out. The good news is that I finally saw the rheumatologist, after 3.5 months of messing with insurance. The bad news is the future is a mess of therapies (drug, physical, and mental) stretching out endlessly before me. The strategy: keep trying until something works.