What I Learned From Chemistry

In putting together a syllabus for a chemistry class, I came across a realization which I have been slowly learning, but which I think would be rather helpful if we were each told this upon entering adulthood.

Learning chemistry can be frustrating. You can’t just read the text and immediately solve any problem. It takes practice to learn how to solve problems which means trying and failing, again and again, before the concept clicks in your mind. You don’t learn as much when you read, or when you hear a lecture, as in wrestling with, and working through the problems; in exercising your mental faculties and having your understanding tested.

In preparing for chemistry, students need to know what’s ahead so that when it starts to get difficult, they won’t be surprised. In fact, it’s important for them to know that they will have to attempt problems multiple times, and they may have to re-read the text, talk to a classmate or me, and really spend time thinking about the concepts before they’ll make progress. It is in the struggle where learning takes place.  So when facing difficulty, chemistry students need not be discouraged, but can recognize it as a necessary part of the learning process.

I wish someone had told me this growing up. Maybe they did, and I just didn’t understand. I remember the day when, as a child, I realized that life was not mostly play interspersed with a bit of chores, but the other way around. Likewise, if we could approach life expecting adversity, recognizing it for what it is, we could replace discouragement with a drive to persevere. I honestly think anyone can learn chemistry, given enough perseverance. Cannot we then overcome any challenge in life if we press on?

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.

-The Apostle Paul, Philippians 3:13-15

In other news,  I just started on a new drug today:

Journal Entry Day 1 – Tried the new meds today. No progress so far. Splitting headache, not sure if there’s a connection. Chocolate supplies: ok for the moment. Morale: so-so, may need a session with the kitty.

Overcoming

One final post on Hinds’s Feet on High Places. I realize I’ve quoted this before, but I think it bears repeating for a closer look.

“Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposefully allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in this world, sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good.”

-Much-Afraid/Grace and Glory, Hinds’ Feet on High Places

When life is good, we tend to just go with the flow. It’s not until we’re faced with adversity that we show, or even learn for ourselves, the strength of our character.  It’s like being infected with an enveloped virus.  At first, the body may not realize it’s encountered an enemy, because the virus is packaged in a bit of cell membrane. Once the virus’ exterior is removed, its malevolent nature is revealed. When the virus is recognized as a threat, the body can produce antibodies to recognize the threat, fight it off, and prevent further infection. However, certain viruses are able to go into a latent phase, a dormancy which fools the body into thinking the threat is gone. This happens in the case of cold sores, or Chicken Pox which can come back as Shingles. We should not merely relax our defenses when trouble appears to be gone, when a problem is not demanding our immediate attention, but learn to proactively show love.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge,my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-The Apostle Paul, Romans 12:9-21

Picture of Hope

My friend, Allison Oh, drew this for me when I started writing this blog. I really like the splash of color that visually reminds me there is still hope in the darkest of places (posted with her permission).

Though He Slay Me By Allison Oh 2011

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

-The Apostle Paul, Romans 5:3-5

Insurance update: Insurance has been a struggle every step of the way, but I finally think it’s settled. My final doctor bills which my old insurance mistakenly denied (multiple times) are -I think- finally settled. Sometimes I still jump when my phone rings, thinking it’s the billing Gestapo.

Lessons from the Road

I went to a wedding this past weekend and it was wonderful! I would characterize it as a blessing and a challenge. It was a blessing because in talking to others, and through what was said about the couple in private conversations, and in the speeches at the reception, really emphasized how much God has done in their lives and how he has honored them for honoring Him in their lives. I was also overjoyed to make so many new friends at the wedding! I think it’s a real testament to the quality of people who surround this couple. I felt not only myself being blessed by the conversations and new friendships but many others around me as well. It was a challenge insofar as seeing the good things God has done, challenged and inspired me to reaffirm that yes, I want God to use me in his way not in my own. No matter what it takes, I do want to become the person He wants me to be, even if it doesn’t look like what I want, even if it’s the worst case scenario. I whole-heartedly say with the Prophet Isaiah, “Here am I. Send me!” Even if the sending in painful.

I had a lot of time in the car afterwards to think and pray about the encouragement I experienced. It was such a blessing to be able to open up and say, “Lord, I don’t like feeling the pain, I don’t like where I am, but I accept your will, help me to want it, help me to trust you, help me to desire You more.” It was probably the most honest I’ve been with the Lord in a long time, and it was much-needed.

Now I know this is a mountain top experience, and I may come down a bit off this high, but I think times like this are to learn lessons to hold on to in the valleys. Holding onto them like markers as in Hinds’ Feet on High Places. I want to implement these lessons in my life:

-God is at work, and will continue to do amazing things in people’s lives
-His will is not just good, it is best
-We must ever desire Him more and His glory
-We must love better
-It is good to want God’s will in your life and be molded to be more like Him
-Even though I struggle with the pain and circumstances of my life, I can be honest with God about that and ask Him to help me trust Him

It’s ok not to be  happy, and you can take that emotion, or however you feel, and lay it at the Lord’s feet. I realized I have been judging myself for not feeling happier about my circumstances, but I can be completely honest with God about how I feel, and it’s ok to ask Him to help my trust Him, to help me adjust my attitude. I know these things to be true, but sometimes it is difficult to put them into action. I feel a deep thirst reawakened in my soul for God. I think it may have dried up in the process of my own prayer: ” Lord, do whatever it takes to make me be the person you want me to be” being answered. No, these difficulties are not the result of God leaving me on the shelf, but they are the rough grindstone, the refining fire, fasting in the desert which removes those parts of us, those desires, false idols, or even just rough edges which need be removed. It is the transformation which Paul talks about in Romans 12 – and it is painful but gloriously beautiful!

“Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposefully allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing  with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good”

At last he spoke. “You have learned well, Grace and Glory. Now I will add one thing more. It was these lessons which you have learned which enabled me to change you from limping, crippled Much-Afraid into Grace and Glory with hinds’ feet. Now you are able to run, leaping on the mountains and able to follow me wherever I go, so that we need never be parted again.

“So remember this; as long as you are willing to be Acceptance-with-Joy and Bearing-in-Love, you can never again become crippled, and you will be able to go wherever I lead you. You will be able to go down into the Valley of the world to work with me there, for that is where the evil and sorrowful and ugly things are which need to be overcome.”

-Conversation between Grace and Glory and the King, Hinds’ Feet on High Places

Lord, I surrender all to you.

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
With all the strength that I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing,
I am nothing without You

-Bebo Norman, Nothing Without You

Threadbare

I’ve noticed recently several articles of clothing have worn thin to the point of ripping. I’ve lost jeans, pajamas, sweaters and even my favorite pillowcase (yes, I have a favorite -er- had). Now, you might expect such a thing to happen on occasion, but it seems like the past few weeks I’ve had more than my fair share of clothing… loss. Part of the problem may be that I tend to get cheap clothing, I’ve borne the labels of a chain of stores known for their red bull’s-eye for quite some time and am content to do so. Many modern styles of clothing are also quite thin which doesn’t help in the lifespan of the fabric.

Every time something else rips, I find myself in a miniature moment of despair: “Again??  I’m already stretched thin to live within my means!” I am content to wear old clothes, but must they wear out on me? Instead of Target I find myself shopping second-hand stores and trying to find something, anything, that fits and isn’t neon or paisley.  My resources are worn around the edges,  and again I feel like my life is threadbare.  Have I been demoted from a modest Target-level child of God to a Goodwill-level child of God? Some days it feels like it, but then I remember that God can make clothing last as long as needed. When the Israelites were wandering in the desert after their captivity in Egypt, the Lord made their clothes last for 40 years (Deuteronomy 29:5)! No, sustaining clothing isn’t beyond the capability of God.

Can I rejoice in this feeling of being ridiculous? Can I rejoice in this lowly state? Yes, yes I can. Maybe I can be a blessing to someone I meet, or maybe it’s just good that I’ll be reusing some clothing rather than buying new when clothing seems to be such a sensitive topic these days due to lack of transparency in production.

I feel like my life has become worse-for-wear, but maybe it needs to be worn-in so it will suit God’s purpose. I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve prayed that the Lord would make me into the person He wants me to be. This isn’t at all what I expected, but if this is the place where I will best be crafted, then I pray, “Lord, take these threads of mine and weave them anew.”

He is Risen

Good morning! We have hope today. Sorrow and mourning are banished, for today is filled with light and hope and peace. Our Savior came to us once, to save a dying world, and it is for this reason we remember that He will come again.

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”

-Luke 24:1-7

Let us not fix our eyes upon death and this dying world, but on the Resurrection and the Life: Jesus Christ.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

-The Apostle John, 1 John 4:9-10

By His Wounds We are Healed

I can’t let this day pass without remembering. This day is painted in crimson and scarlet, the colors of forgiveness.

He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

-The Prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 53:3-5

Although my pain is unrelenting, it pales in comparison to the suffering of Christ. If only I would use my pain as an ever-present reminder of the price willingly paid for me. If only I would understand this truth, and let it sink in, to viscerally accept the love God has for me. No matter how awful the pain, it is a reminder of what true love is.

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
tears were filling heaven’s eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

-Phil Wickham, True Love

Rend Your Heart

I’ve been reading through the minor prophets, they were God’s loudspeaker to the Israel and Judah (after the kingdom split in 930b.c.) and the surrounding countries during times mostly of  disobedience to God. As you can imagine, when a nation is misbehaving, God doesn’t have the most pleasant things to say.  What I found very interesting though is every message of judgment comes with a counterpart for repentance and restoration. While God said he would judge Israel and Judah by sending them into exile in Assyria and Babylon, He also promised to bring them back.

I will surely gather all of you, O Jacob;
I will surely bring together the remnant of Israel.

-God speaking through the prophet Micah, Micah 2:12a

The time in exile, and the subsequent rule by other empires of the world was not God abandoning the people of Israel, but a time of learning for them. That time was for a purpose, and would also come to an end, when its purpose was accomplished.

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings. [...]

But you must return to your God;
maintain love and justice,
and wait for your God always.

-God speaking through the prophet Hosea, Hosea 6:6, 12:6

[The LORD] will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Judah and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the LORD, as in days gone by, as in former years.

-Malachi 3:3-4

What I love about Jonah is, even though he had a major attitude problem, the book isn’t really about him, it’s the story of God sending a warning to the people of Nineveh (the capital of Assyria), to turn from their ways. God offers them a second chance, and they take  it!

When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion and did not bring upon them the destruction he had threatened.

-Jonah 3:10

They repented and God forgave them! God does not desire suffering, but he desires repentance, and changed hearts! Everything God does, or allows to happen is for a reason.

“Even now,” declares the LORD,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

-Joel 2:12-13

Afterlife

Sleep has been difficult. I spent about six weeks without sleeping properly, awake 24 hours, asleep for 6, awake 36 hours, asleep for 14, wash, rinse, repeat. I return to normal, then get off again. I get a cold, or feel so depressed I don’t want to face the day. Right now it’s like I have to beat my body into submission, medicating myself to sleep at a night, and dragging myself awake every morning with the fear that the cycle will start again. Sometimes it seems like all I do is eat, sleep, and shower -maybe I get dressed if it’s a good day. Why am I telling you this? Well, friends keep asking me what’s been going on. This is it. Things haven’t changed. My health hasn’t improved. I will get insurance soon, but I don’t know how long we can afford it, it’s not really leaving any money to pay for actual medical bills. I feel like I’m in a desert right now… it’s so dry, I’m parched, looking for relief. The barren ground stretches to each horizon, endless, empty, and bleak.

I haven’t really rested in a long time. I have escaped with sleep or distractions, but I haven’t rested. My back has been worse lately  -how do you say you’re not fine? I wish I could tell you  how God is healing me, maybe one day I will. Right now, He’s not. That’s ok. I don’t know what He’s doing, but I trust His wisdom. I don’t feel good about life right now, but that’s ok. I will wait through this time. We want resolution to come so swiftly, but I will wait one more day. Each day in the desert is a day I can grow, if I admit my weakness and ask for His strength.

Maybe you are stuck in that in-between time, waiting. Maybe you feel you can’t really say what’s going on, or be honest about how bad it is. I think it’s ok not to have an immediate answer. Don’t give up hope because your wait is long. The wait is not in vain so long as you wait upon the Lord.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

-The Prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 40:28-31

Perhaps waiting can be active. Not the mere passing of time between a question and its answer, but anticipating, with eagerness, the outcome. What if waiting was the time in which we really lived?

I’ve tasted fire I’m ready to come alive
I can’t just shut it up and fake that I’m alright
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I’ll Let it burn the way the sunlight burns my skin
The way I feel inside, the way the day begins
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the other side
I’m ready now, I’m ready now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I still believe we could live forever
You and I we begin forever now
Forever now
Forever

I still believe in us together
You and I we’re here together now
Forever now
Forever now
Or never now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

-Switchfoot, Afterlife

Tomorrow

Just a quick note to say I’m still alive. I’ve been in a dry patch for a while. Sometimes it’s just too much to think about all the time. God is still good, that hasn’t changed, I’m just weary right now.

A neat thing happened last week. I’ve been in need of a wheelchair to get around in certain situations, and during prayer at Bible study I felt I should ask for one. It isn’t a common occurence that I feel like God is telling me something specific He’s going to do, but I felt He was going to give me a wheelchair. I had planned on searching the Goodwills in town, but I went ahead and asked if anyone had a wheelchair they didn’t need. Within 5 minutes someone had produced a wheelchair, which had been donated to the church, from a closet and I got to take it home. It’s amazing that God cares for us in every need, just like Jesus says in Matthew 6:25-34:

  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Those last two lines really hit home. We don’t have to worry about tomorrow. Speaking of which, I’ll be seeing a rheumatologist tomorrow. It has taken two months to get this appointment, let’s hope it’s fruitful.

Update: I didn’t actually see the rheumatologist today due to insurance issues. I didn’t even get past the bouncer (read as: really nice receptionist). I’ve rescheduled with the hopes I can get things sorted before the new appointment. I’m discouraged, but at the same time I don’t know if he can really do anything for me, so time isn’t that big an issue.