It’s a new year, and I’m a new age to go along with it. This is the time when I’m suppose to talk about the hope and anticipation of seeing the unknown good unfold in my life. I just don’t have it in me. I miss Irvine terribly, I miss my friends there, my grad program, my life… and it’s sinking in that I’m not going back. I keep getting worse. The last doctor I saw before I moved said he thought I had fibromyalgia, and since I moved I feel like hell. The medication I was on was helping a bit, then I started having trouble sleeping. So, I bore the caffeine headaches and quit my beloved substance. Still no sleep… I went for about a week of very little sleep which ended in ~40 hours wide awake and hating my life. So I decided to just quit my medication. Meanwhile, I have no doctor because the insurance is once again all messed up, I feel terrible, my emotions are a wreck because of the medication change, and all I want for my birthday is sleep.
Sometimes you have to look back to look forward. Looking forward may be bleak, while it may not be easy, you just have to hold on until things get better. I spoke at my high school graduation about hope. I defined hope as acting as if you would succeed, even if you didn’t think you would. In Lord Of The Rings, King Theoden of Rohan rode out into battle, even though there was no way he could fight off the enemy. Meanwhile the Steward of Gondor, Denethor, took his own life in despair. Denethor didn’t live past his fears to see the salvation of his city, but Theoden saw the glorious dawn bring reinforcements which saved his people. Looking back on the way God has pulled through in the past gives me reason to hope for the future.