What I Learned From Chemistry

In putting together a syllabus for a chemistry class, I came across a realization which I have been slowly learning, but which I think would be rather helpful if we were each told this upon entering adulthood.

Learning chemistry can be frustrating. You can’t just read the text and immediately solve any problem. It takes practice to learn how to solve problems which means trying and failing, again and again, before the concept clicks in your mind. You don’t learn as much when you read, or when you hear a lecture, as in wrestling with, and working through the problems; in exercising your mental faculties and having your understanding tested.

In preparing for chemistry, students need to know what’s ahead so that when it starts to get difficult, they won’t be surprised. In fact, it’s important for them to know that they will have to attempt problems multiple times, and they may have to re-read the text, talk to a classmate or me, and really spend time thinking about the concepts before they’ll make progress. It is in the struggle where learning takes place.  So when facing difficulty, chemistry students need not be discouraged, but can recognize it as a necessary part of the learning process.

I wish someone had told me this growing up. Maybe they did, and I just didn’t understand. I remember the day when, as a child, I realized that life was not mostly play interspersed with a bit of chores, but the other way around. Likewise, if we could approach life expecting adversity, recognizing it for what it is, we could replace discouragement with a drive to persevere. I honestly think anyone can learn chemistry, given enough perseverance. Cannot we then overcome any challenge in life if we press on?

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.

-The Apostle Paul, Philippians 3:13-15

In other news,  I just started on a new drug today:

Journal Entry Day 1 – Tried the new meds today. No progress so far. Splitting headache, not sure if there’s a connection. Chocolate supplies: ok for the moment. Morale: so-so, may need a session with the kitty.

Do You Love Me?

Health update: Last week I started having an acute upper back/neck spasm. So it’s back to Druggyland for me, which is like Candyland, only the candy doesn’t taste as good, but its effects are much more hilarious. Hopefully this pain will dissipate over time. For now, don’t expect any sideways glances from me. As for the long-term, I’ve been able to try one of the medications typically prescribed for fibro, with no effect. It’s a time-consuming process, so it’s unlikely I’ll be reporting any drastic changes.

It’s hard to be patient. It’s one thing to know where you’re going, when you’ll get there, and kick back until you do, but it’s endlessly frustrating when you can’t see the way, and you begin to doubt God’s promises. Yes, I still have more to share from Hinds’ Feet on High Places. Much-Afraid accuses the Shepherd when the path he has set turns away from the mountains and heads out into the desert:

“You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads away from them. It contradicts all that you promised.”

“No,” said the Shepherd, “it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible.”

Much-Afraid felt as though he had stabbed her to the heart. “You mean,” she said incredulously, “you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into the wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely?  Why” (and there was a sob of anguish in  her voice) “it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?

He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid sank to her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart’s desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. As she looked out over what seemed an endless desert, the only path she could see led further and further away from the High Places, and it was all desert.

Then he answered very quietly, “Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and go down there with me into the desert?”

As I read this, I hear my voice asking those questions of the Shepherd. I’m to turn away? I’m to wander through the desert? The road is long and hard, it’s got to be miles and miles before it could even begin to return to the mountains. Then I hear my Savior’s voice ask the pivotal question, “do you love me?” I see in my heart there is still the weed of self-love which, if not laid on the altar, will choke out the seed of true love. Our answer to the Shepherd’s question is more important than all other desires of the world put together. If we do not love Him, our love means nothing.

The Shepherd later takes the challenge a step further. An enemy named Bitterness had been lying to Much-Afraid, telling her the Shepherd would break his promises, and abandon her in some difficult place in utter humiliation. Strange, isn’t it, that it is in our most difficult times when we listen to the voice of bitterness? In such a time, the Shepherd asks what would happen if he was lying. Much-Afraid’s reply is:

“My Lord-if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as a long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you.” [...] Right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself.

-Hinds’ Feet on High Places

What is your reply?

Picture of Hope

My friend, Allison Oh, drew this for me when I started writing this blog. I really like the splash of color that visually reminds me there is still hope in the darkest of places (posted with her permission).

Though He Slay Me By Allison Oh 2011

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

-The Apostle Paul, Romans 5:3-5

Insurance update: Insurance has been a struggle every step of the way, but I finally think it’s settled. My final doctor bills which my old insurance mistakenly denied (multiple times) are -I think- finally settled. Sometimes I still jump when my phone rings, thinking it’s the billing Gestapo.

Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia. My thorn has a name. I don’t really feel as if I have more power over the thing. This is my official diagnosis.

It’s not the type of condition for which there is a definitive test. It’s the last option after everything else is ruled out. The good news is that I finally saw the rheumatologist, after 3.5 months of messing with insurance. The bad news is the future is a mess of therapies (drug, physical, and mental) stretching out endlessly before me. The strategy: keep trying until something works.

Afterlife

Sleep has been difficult. I spent about six weeks without sleeping properly, awake 24 hours, asleep for 6, awake 36 hours, asleep for 14, wash, rinse, repeat. I return to normal, then get off again. I get a cold, or feel so depressed I don’t want to face the day. Right now it’s like I have to beat my body into submission, medicating myself to sleep at a night, and dragging myself awake every morning with the fear that the cycle will start again. Sometimes it seems like all I do is eat, sleep, and shower -maybe I get dressed if it’s a good day. Why am I telling you this? Well, friends keep asking me what’s been going on. This is it. Things haven’t changed. My health hasn’t improved. I will get insurance soon, but I don’t know how long we can afford it, it’s not really leaving any money to pay for actual medical bills. I feel like I’m in a desert right now… it’s so dry, I’m parched, looking for relief. The barren ground stretches to each horizon, endless, empty, and bleak.

I haven’t really rested in a long time. I have escaped with sleep or distractions, but I haven’t rested. My back has been worse lately  -how do you say you’re not fine? I wish I could tell you  how God is healing me, maybe one day I will. Right now, He’s not. That’s ok. I don’t know what He’s doing, but I trust His wisdom. I don’t feel good about life right now, but that’s ok. I will wait through this time. We want resolution to come so swiftly, but I will wait one more day. Each day in the desert is a day I can grow, if I admit my weakness and ask for His strength.

Maybe you are stuck in that in-between time, waiting. Maybe you feel you can’t really say what’s going on, or be honest about how bad it is. I think it’s ok not to have an immediate answer. Don’t give up hope because your wait is long. The wait is not in vain so long as you wait upon the Lord.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

-The Prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 40:28-31

Perhaps waiting can be active. Not the mere passing of time between a question and its answer, but anticipating, with eagerness, the outcome. What if waiting was the time in which we really lived?

I’ve tasted fire I’m ready to come alive
I can’t just shut it up and fake that I’m alright
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I’ll Let it burn the way the sunlight burns my skin
The way I feel inside, the way the day begins
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the other side
I’m ready now, I’m ready now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I still believe we could live forever
You and I we begin forever now
Forever now
Forever

I still believe in us together
You and I we’re here together now
Forever now
Forever now
Or never now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

-Switchfoot, Afterlife

Tomorrow

Just a quick note to say I’m still alive. I’ve been in a dry patch for a while. Sometimes it’s just too much to think about all the time. God is still good, that hasn’t changed, I’m just weary right now.

A neat thing happened last week. I’ve been in need of a wheelchair to get around in certain situations, and during prayer at Bible study I felt I should ask for one. It isn’t a common occurence that I feel like God is telling me something specific He’s going to do, but I felt He was going to give me a wheelchair. I had planned on searching the Goodwills in town, but I went ahead and asked if anyone had a wheelchair they didn’t need. Within 5 minutes someone had produced a wheelchair, which had been donated to the church, from a closet and I got to take it home. It’s amazing that God cares for us in every need, just like Jesus says in Matthew 6:25-34:

  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Those last two lines really hit home. We don’t have to worry about tomorrow. Speaking of which, I’ll be seeing a rheumatologist tomorrow. It has taken two months to get this appointment, let’s hope it’s fruitful.

Update: I didn’t actually see the rheumatologist today due to insurance issues. I didn’t even get past the bouncer (read as: really nice receptionist). I’ve rescheduled with the hopes I can get things sorted before the new appointment. I’m discouraged, but at the same time I don’t know if he can really do anything for me, so time isn’t that big an issue.

Tears and Frustrations

I  never knew what “depressed” actually meant until now. To me, it was always one of those  problems other people have.  We don’t talk about it, we don’t want to admit its existence.  There’s such a stigma against it, as if it’s a person’s fault for being depressed. Surely, they need to learn to better control themselves, to get it together. I didn’t know until I felt it. I didn’t know until I had cried uncontrollably for no reason at all, or spent a week solid crying, what it felt like. I didn’t know that a mere chemical imbalance could so drastically alter how you feel. I didn’t know I was capable of such rage and anger, but it’s not me. Perhaps to those better acquainted with chronic illness and its effects, this will be old news. I have been completely caught off guard by my reactions to different circumstance, and I know it’s not me. Because the nature of the symptoms of depression are emotional and behavioral, we tend not to treat them as symptoms, as we would with an infectious disease. After all, we don’t lay moral obligation on a person for having a fever.

On this side of the symptoms, I have to separate myself from how I feel. The separation must go beyond the physical, “I am not my pain” to the emotional. Just because I feel sad doesn’t mean I am sad, just because I’m overcome with anger doesn’t mean I’m actually angry. The attitude of my heart remains, still, at my disposal. I may not be able to choose, at times, how I feel, but I can choose what my attitude is.

It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender…
To…

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It’s time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

-Sanctus Real, Whatever You’re Doing

New Beginnings

It’s a new year, and I’m a new age to go along with it. This is the time when I’m suppose to talk about the hope and anticipation of seeing the unknown good unfold in my life. I just don’t have it in me. I miss Irvine terribly, I miss my friends there, my grad program, my life… and it’s sinking in that I’m not going back. I keep getting worse. The last doctor I saw before I moved said he thought I had fibromyalgia, and since I moved I feel like hell. The medication I was on was helping a bit, then I started having trouble sleeping. So, I bore the caffeine headaches and quit my beloved substance. Still no sleep… I went for about a week of very little sleep which ended in ~40 hours wide awake and hating my life. So I decided to just quit my medication. Meanwhile, I have no doctor because the insurance is once again all messed up, I feel terrible, my emotions are a wreck because of the medication change, and all I want for my birthday is sleep.

Sometimes you have to look back to look forward. Looking forward may be bleak, while it may not be easy, you just have to hold on until things get better. I spoke at my high school graduation about hope. I defined hope as acting as if you would succeed, even if you didn’t think you would. In Lord Of The Rings, King Theoden of Rohan rode out into battle, even though there was no way he could fight off the enemy. Meanwhile the Steward of Gondor, Denethor, took his own life in despair. Denethor didn’t live past his fears to see the salvation of his city, but Theoden saw the glorious dawn bring reinforcements which saved his people.   Looking back on the way God has pulled through in the past gives me reason to hope for the future.

 

Trust

Trust means letting go; letting go of one’s self, and putting your faith in another. Some team-building activities will include a time where a person closes their eyes and falls backwards for others in the group to catch them. I feel like that’s what God has been asking me to do. To trust Him, to fall back into His arms, to let Him take care of me. Whether it’s society’s expectations or my own type-A personality, I’m so driven to be independent that I often ignore trust.   This mindset is contrary to the way we were made. I should be relying on God. I cannot survive on my own, I must lean on Him. I’ve heard it said that God is a crutch, and we’re a lame world.

It’s so counter-intuitive. You would think that it’s smart to plan ahead, to provide your your needs, yet while that is good, wisdom also says “if the Lord wills.” We must trust in a relationship with a Father who will provide for us. I can’t believe how many times I’ve heard the story, or seen it in my own life, that a great need arises, and is met in an unexpected way.  I think those who work in missions can especially appreciate what I’m talking about. You don’t know how you’re going to survive month to month, but the Lord provides.

An online comic I follow recently drew up a graph of  where the world’s money is (http://xkcd.com/980/). I was blown away by how just a small fraction of money could make a huge difference in a person’s life. We have no concept of how what resources exist and they all belong to God. He can choose to redirect them at any time to aid a need. Likewise,  the prayers of his people and His blessings are beyond what we can imagine. We think of just redirecting a little bit in the dollar category, when He can move the trillions and beyond.

What I’m assured of time and again is that we are not alone. God is there to catch us, even though we may be falling and haven’t felt His arms yet.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

-God speaking through the prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 43:2-3

Health update: Thank you all for your prayers. I’ve been seeing a chiropractor and my back is actually improving. I’m trying to stay off the vicodin right now and hope that will be a permanent change. I still have the other pain, but I’m on a new drug that may help. Please pray that I will be able to manage the side effects of the drug and also pray for a safe move next week.

Epitaph to a Dream

Looks like I’m leaving Irvine. My Ph.D. advisor insists that I take medical leave since I can no longer work in lab. This means after this quarter ends, I won’t have an income, I’ll have to leave my friends, give up my apartment, sell my car, and move back home until I heal. I’ve been trying to fight for so long, and maybe this is what it takes to get well. None of the doctors can figure out the reason I’m not getting well.

What I’m afraid of is, how will I ever get back? I’ve been fighting so hard to stay, but if I leave, I would have to start all over again. It’s too much to think about. Maybe I won’t get  better so it’s just better that I not carry on. On the upside I can file for a terminal Master’s any time, because I’ve fulfilled the requirements.

Right now I’m trying to work everything out, and see if there’s some way I can earn an income from home, since that’s all I seem to be able to manage. If you know of anything, perhaps an online teaching position or something in editing, please let me know. The only thing that would keep me here now is a miracle: either I heal, or God provides in some crazy way. If you know of any other options, let me know.

This isn’t necessarily the end. I know that. It just feels like it, like something is dying inside me. I hope that’s my selfish nature, my sense of control, or whatever would dethrone God in my life. I hope that I can come to believe this:

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

-God speaking through the prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 43:19