Rend Your Heart

I’ve been reading through the minor prophets, they were God’s loudspeaker to the Israel and Judah (after the kingdom split in 930b.c.) and the surrounding countries during times mostly of  disobedience to God. As you can imagine, when a nation is misbehaving, God doesn’t have the most pleasant things to say.  What I found very interesting though is every message of judgment comes with a counterpart for repentance and restoration. While God said he would judge Israel and Judah by sending them into exile in Assyria and Babylon, He also promised to bring them back.

I will surely gather all of you, O Jacob;
I will surely bring together the remnant of Israel.

-God speaking through the prophet Micah, Micah 2:12a

The time in exile, and the subsequent rule by other empires of the world was not God abandoning the people of Israel, but a time of learning for them. That time was for a purpose, and would also come to an end, when its purpose was accomplished.

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings. [...]

But you must return to your God;
maintain love and justice,
and wait for your God always.

-God speaking through the prophet Hosea, Hosea 6:6, 12:6

[The LORD] will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Judah and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the LORD, as in days gone by, as in former years.

-Malachi 3:3-4

What I love about Jonah is, even though he had a major attitude problem, the book isn’t really about him, it’s the story of God sending a warning to the people of Nineveh (the capital of Assyria), to turn from their ways. God offers them a second chance, and they take  it!

When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion and did not bring upon them the destruction he had threatened.

-Jonah 3:10

They repented and God forgave them! God does not desire suffering, but he desires repentance, and changed hearts! Everything God does, or allows to happen is for a reason.

“Even now,” declares the LORD,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

-Joel 2:12-13

Afterlife

Sleep has been difficult. I spent about six weeks without sleeping properly, awake 24 hours, asleep for 6, awake 36 hours, asleep for 14, wash, rinse, repeat. I return to normal, then get off again. I get a cold, or feel so depressed I don’t want to face the day. Right now it’s like I have to beat my body into submission, medicating myself to sleep at a night, and dragging myself awake every morning with the fear that the cycle will start again. Sometimes it seems like all I do is eat, sleep, and shower -maybe I get dressed if it’s a good day. Why am I telling you this? Well, friends keep asking me what’s been going on. This is it. Things haven’t changed. My health hasn’t improved. I will get insurance soon, but I don’t know how long we can afford it, it’s not really leaving any money to pay for actual medical bills. I feel like I’m in a desert right now… it’s so dry, I’m parched, looking for relief. The barren ground stretches to each horizon, endless, empty, and bleak.

I haven’t really rested in a long time. I have escaped with sleep or distractions, but I haven’t rested. My back has been worse lately  -how do you say you’re not fine? I wish I could tell you  how God is healing me, maybe one day I will. Right now, He’s not. That’s ok. I don’t know what He’s doing, but I trust His wisdom. I don’t feel good about life right now, but that’s ok. I will wait through this time. We want resolution to come so swiftly, but I will wait one more day. Each day in the desert is a day I can grow, if I admit my weakness and ask for His strength.

Maybe you are stuck in that in-between time, waiting. Maybe you feel you can’t really say what’s going on, or be honest about how bad it is. I think it’s ok not to have an immediate answer. Don’t give up hope because your wait is long. The wait is not in vain so long as you wait upon the Lord.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

-The Prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 40:28-31

Perhaps waiting can be active. Not the mere passing of time between a question and its answer, but anticipating, with eagerness, the outcome. What if waiting was the time in which we really lived?

I’ve tasted fire I’m ready to come alive
I can’t just shut it up and fake that I’m alright
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I’ll Let it burn the way the sunlight burns my skin
The way I feel inside, the way the day begins
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the other side
I’m ready now, I’m ready now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

I still believe we could live forever
You and I we begin forever now
Forever now
Forever

I still believe in us together
You and I we’re here together now
Forever now
Forever now
Or never now

Cause everyday the world is made
A chance to change But I feel the same
And I wonder
Why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now
I’m not waiting for the afterlife

-Switchfoot, Afterlife