Looks like I’m leaving Irvine. My Ph.D. advisor insists that I take medical leave since I can no longer work in lab. This means after this quarter ends, I won’t have an income, I’ll have to leave my friends, give up my apartment, sell my car, and move back home until I heal. I’ve been trying to fight for so long, and maybe this is what it takes to get well. None of the doctors can figure out the reason I’m not getting well.
What I’m afraid of is, how will I ever get back? I’ve been fighting so hard to stay, but if I leave, I would have to start all over again. It’s too much to think about. Maybe I won’t get better so it’s just better that I not carry on. On the upside I can file for a terminal Master’s any time, because I’ve fulfilled the requirements.
Right now I’m trying to work everything out, and see if there’s some way I can earn an income from home, since that’s all I seem to be able to manage. If you know of anything, perhaps an online teaching position or something in editing, please let me know. The only thing that would keep me here now is a miracle: either I heal, or God provides in some crazy way. If you know of any other options, let me know.
This isn’t necessarily the end. I know that. It just feels like it, like something is dying inside me. I hope that’s my selfish nature, my sense of control, or whatever would dethrone God in my life. I hope that I can come to believe this:
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
-God speaking through the prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 43:19