Looks like I’m leaving Irvine. My Ph.D. advisor insists that I take medical leave since I can no longer work in lab. This means after this quarter ends, I won’t have an income, I’ll have to leave my friends, give up my apartment, sell my car, and move back home until I heal. I’ve been trying to fight for so long, and maybe this is what it takes to get well. None of the doctors can figure out the reason I’m not getting well.
What I’m afraid of is, how will I ever get back? I’ve been fighting so hard to stay, but if I leave, I would have to start all over again. It’s too much to think about. Maybe I won’t get better so it’s just better that I not carry on. On the upside I can file for a terminal Master’s any time, because I’ve fulfilled the requirements.
Right now I’m trying to work everything out, and see if there’s some way I can earn an income from home, since that’s all I seem to be able to manage. If you know of anything, perhaps an online teaching position or something in editing, please let me know. The only thing that would keep me here now is a miracle: either I heal, or God provides in some crazy way. If you know of any other options, let me know.
This isn’t necessarily the end. I know that. It just feels like it, like something is dying inside me. I hope that’s my selfish nature, my sense of control, or whatever would dethrone God in my life. I hope that I can come to believe this:
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.-God speaking through the prophet Isaiah, Isaiah 43:19
November 4th, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I’m sorry. I’ll be praying for you tonight. (I’ve got a date night with Jesus.)
November 4th, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Thanks Jeffra, I appreciate it.
November 4th, 2011 at 5:15 pm
*hug*
November 4th, 2011 at 7:18 pm
*hug back*
November 4th, 2011 at 7:45 pm
I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to say or could make it so you could stay. I’m working tonight and tomorrow until 6 our time, but if you want/need to talk, drop me a line.
November 4th, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Thanks Matt.
November 4th, 2011 at 7:56 pm
Our family will be praying for you. Please keep us in the loop. I know He is working, just waiting to see how..
Love to you
November 4th, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Thank you Lisa, I really appreciate it.
November 4th, 2011 at 8:19 pm
I have no way of comprehending the extent of what you’re going through, but reading your candid thoughts about how you’re coping is really inspiring; you’re not afraid to question and reflect. I remember how passionate you were(and are) about your studies, so I hope that you’re able to continue your dream soon.
Lots of love,
Saudia
November 4th, 2011 at 10:12 pm
Thanks Saudia. We should catch up soon.
November 5th, 2011 at 12:15 am
I hope that something works out for you soon. Stay positive, I know it must be hard x
November 5th, 2011 at 9:37 pm
Thanks for the understanding and encouragement.
November 5th, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Praying for you.
November 5th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Thank you Kayla.
November 6th, 2011 at 9:29 am
First of all, GET THE MASTERS. It will be difficult to go back for a Ph. D., but the Masters will give you options. Secondly, a microbiology professor at BC will be retiring next semester. There is a great chance we will be hiring a new professor for the Fall. Would you be interested? E-mail me or call me if you want more information.
November 7th, 2011 at 10:53 pm
Our prayers are with you, dear friend, during the pain and hardship you are facing. I know how awful it feels to have to leave everything you have started here, but I suspect it is very likely you will be back before too long. Our hope and prayers are for continued care from the best physician(s) and for your complete recovery. One of my favorite Shakespeare quotes (encouraged me a lot during my down moments) is from the Tempest, “space enough have I in such a prison.” It is God who delivers us into this space of peace, comfort and hope.
Pubmed apparently has some up-to-date health info on a variety of conditions, not sure if you’ve seen the page on fibromyalgia: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001463/. I forget whether this responsible for part of the pain you are experiencing (I think you mentioned it as a possibility on Friday?) but if so hopefully there is some useful info to glean.
Take care, we are praying for all this.
November 28th, 2011 at 9:20 pm
Sorry to hear this and you will be in my prayers.
God is sovereign, and loves his children. We can always trust in that as life’s roller coaster takes its turns. Easier said than done, I suffer from doubting Thomas syndrome way to often and get slapped awake by stuff like this -
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6)
If you come back to Bako, please holler at me. We should catch up.
Blessings and prayer your way,
Matt
November 28th, 2011 at 9:34 pm
I’m moving back on Dec. 10th, yes, we should catch up after that.